Am I The Problem?

From the Dear God letters dated 03/10/2025

Dear Readers, sometimes I like to talk about what was going on that day. This was written a year ago. I find irony in that this was written a year ago and yet I still feel this way. Not as extreme. Not as urgent. But it still lingers….

Dear God,

Today is a beautiful day.  Thank you for the peace I have felt and the opportunity to see your beautiful design.

I did not feel very productive at work today.  

I hope to turn this around soon. 

I went to Camp Gladiator today and worked out.  That was fun I think.  I am glad I’m able to do it or feel like I’m in a place in my life where I can. 

I am still a little melancholy despite all the wonderful that is surrounding me. 

I suppose it’s natural to feel this way.  I wonder if I will ever find love again.  The madly deeply kind.  Would that person feel the same way for me? 

I feel pretty lost and defeated some. 

I don’t want to be alone. 

I’ve noted this freedom and i am sure I need more. 

I hope I won’t be alone for ever though.

 I want to be SURROUNDED by people. 

People I really love. 

I am frustrated with my feelings for Mason.

Logically I should not have any love for him right? 

He did not treat me well. 

But I can’t help but feel that love.

At least what I feel is love. 

Maybe it’s not love. 

Maybe it’s instinct. 

Maybe attachment. 

I feel sad for him.  I want to comfort him.  I don’t really know how though. 

And I don’t think I should. 

It will give me and him mixed signals. 

I can see it causing more pain. 

What do you think? 

This can’t be the worst thing that’s ever happened. 

But I’m sure it’s not good either. 

I am sorry for disappointing you.

I’m sorry I didn’t make it work with Mason.

I really thought you intended him for me. 

Now I’m not so sure. 

How could our love turn so sour. 

Am I the problem?

I don’t think I am. 

I think he is a BIG part of the problem. 

I am not trying to get pity. 

I want to have the answers though. 

I want to do right by my husband

and my daughter. 

What is best for both of them. 

And ultimately what is BEST for me.